This just in from the reporting beat.
Turns out that purple cabbage is NOT the healthy vegetable we all know and love. Reporter Joe Stevens recently found a man that claims to know the truth behind the nefarious veggie.
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Stevens: So, Mr. Dobbins, you claim to have intimate knowledge regarding the true purpose of purple cabbage, also known as Brassica oleracea in the scientific world. What primarily do you have to share with our readers?
Dobbins: Well, Joe, I have to first say thanks for giving me the chance to have this interview. Many people haven’t been giving me the time of day since I learned about it.
Stevens: No problem at all Mr. Dobbins.
Dobbins: Okay, so here’s how it goes, see. It all started on this camping trip with me and my wife. We just wanted to get out and relax, see. We never expected something like that to happen! I mean, who would have imagined something like that COULD happen? Why, even if I lived to be..
Stevens: Excuse me Mr. Dobbins, I hope you don’t mind me interrupting…but what exactly was it that you saw?
Dobbins: Well, by golly, we stumbled upon a meeting in the woods!
Stevens: A meeting you say? Who was there? What happened?
Dobbins: Well, they were wearing robes see, and were in a circle. It was also dark, so I mean, the light could have been playing tricks on our eyes…but there’s no doubt at all about what we heard. We were just hiking along, looking for some firewood, when we heard it, and went over to look, and we couldn’t believe our eyes.
(At this point, Mr. Dobbins stared past me, eyes agape with his mouth slightly open, and just shook his head)
Stevens: Yes, Mr. Dobbins? What did you see? What did you hear?
Dobbins: Oh, sorry about that, I just zoned out just thinking about the sight. Thanks for snapping me out of that.
Stevens: No thanks needed.
Dobbins: At any rate, see, what we stumbled on was mind-boggling. It scared us witless, let me tell you what. Anyhow, we ended up witnessing it, the whole thing. Right there before us, there unfolded the purple cabbage conspiracy. It was being told to the others by none other than the purple cabbage themselves!
Stevens: Wait, purple cabbage was talking?
Dobbins: Well, not so much talking. That would be silly, since they don’t have mouths. I think it was sort of talking through our minds, all espn like.
Stevens: Okay. Now, how did the others look? Those that were talking to the cabbage.
Dobbins: Well see, that’s the problem. It was really dark, so we can’t be sure. They were pretty tall though, and wore broad brimmed hats, so we couldn’t see there faces. They also didn’t speak to the cabbage, so much as stare at it, listening to it’s mental mind command orders.
Stevens: Well, that sounds pretty alarming Mr. Dobbins. What were the cabbages commands to these mysterious people?
Dobbins: Well, you know, the usual conspiracy stuff. Wanted to keep cheap energy under wraps, hide the cure to cancer, not let us know about JFK, that sort of stuff.
Stevens: Wait, the cabbage talked about JFK?
Dobbins: Well, not so much. It was more focused on the other stuff, but then that’s when we booked it. We didn’t want to get caught.
Stevens: Well, thank you for letting us know about this. It sounds pretty alarming. Is there anything you want to share with the readers before we wrap up?
Dobbins: Yeah, just be careful. Those things are starting to get everywhere. I think they might even be in every major grocery store. Avoid it like the conspiracy cabbage it is! You can’t be sure about it’s true intent.
Stevens: Well, thank you for that dire warning Mr. Dobbins. I hope anyone reading this at home will take it to heart.
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dmcd reblogged this from universe-corp and added:
The Universe Corp. 1/14/12. Undesired Effects...Red Cabbage Pretty interesting
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universe-corp posted this
